


You Were Never Here

by flower_girl



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: First Love, I'm Sorry, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 12:56:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16811077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flower_girl/pseuds/flower_girl
Summary: You were never here...but we were always in love.





	You Were Never Here

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is really rough, just something I whipped up together quickly because it was on my mind. I don't think many people are actually going to like it??? But it was an experience writing it and something kind of new for me. 
> 
> It's based off the song Thru These Tears by LANY so give it a listen before or after you read the fic! I do think knowing the song's lyrics and context contributes a lot to the fic!
> 
> Thank you for checking this out and I hope people don't hate hate it TT

They start dating the summer before high school. In secret of course. It’s a death sentence, being gay in Korea. Their dates are disguised as two friends, just two bros hanging out at the arcade down the road and watching the latest movie together. Sometimes when he’s brave, Jongin will reach for Kyungsoo’s hand when there’s no one else walking on the back alley road with them. It’s only when Kyungsoo stops hearing his scared heartbeat echoing that he squeezes Jongin’s hand back. There’s always a truck or a bike that whizzes by them though, making them jump a yard apart, fear pumping through their trembling bodies as they finish the walk home, one slowly trailing behind the other.

They’re not in the same class at school so keeping their relationship a secret is actually quite easy. There are lingering glances as they pass each other in the hallway, the occasional brushes of knuckles against each other when it’s packed enough that no one can see it. Kyungsoo always arrives a little earlier than Jongin to stick a note into his cubby. Jongin always stays a little later to write a note back and seal it with one of the heart stickers he bulk bought from the stationary store near his house.

They run in different friend groups. Jongin’s closest friends are Moonkyu and Taemin. They’re a loud bunch, always setting the mood in their class and turning heads in the hallways with their silly antics and loud laughter. Kyungsoo’s best friend is Hyunsik, a quiet studious boy just like him who’s on the school’s math team. Their groups don’t really cross paths so it’s easy for them to lie about not being in a relationship and about which girl they think is the cutest in their grade.

One day though, the cafeteria is short a table and their friends somehow managed to get squished together at the same table. It’s awkward at first but then Hyunsik and Moonkyu begin to bond over Pokémon and the table suddenly gets loud as they talk about the old show. Jongin and Kyungsoo both stay quiet, picking at their food and trying their best not to look at each other. Under the table though, Jongin rests his feet gently on top of Kyungsoo’s just as a subtle reminder. _I’m here. We’re okay._

Their first real kiss happens during sophomore year when Jongin’s parents go out of town to visit his grandparents in the countryside. Kyungsoo is sleeping over, telling his parents that he’s at Hyunsik’s house. Jongin’s older sisters both dorm at college.

They order Chinese food and watch TV together, cuddled together underneath Jongin’s fuzzy throw blanket. It’s the first time that they can be like this, snuggly and clingy without the fear of someone watching them, someone judging them. They’re both expecting it, since they’re finally alone. They’ve kissed on the cheek before, chaste, gentle pecks when they walk each other home, shrouded in the darkness and away from the streetlights.

It doesn’t happen until they’re tucked into Jongin’s bed, their hair still damp from their separate showers and breath fresh from Jongin’s family’s minty toothpaste. They lean in at the same time, their noses bumping gently before they angle their heads just right and their chapped mouths finally meet for the softest, most gentle press of lips. Jongin kisses Kyungsoo over and over again that night. He can’t stop pressing his lips against Kyungsoo’s feeling their breaths mix and their hearts beat hard against each other. Kyungsoo falls asleep with his mouth against Jongin’s, their arms wrapped around each other and their legs intertwined loosely. Jongin doesn’t want to sleep. He wants to live in this moment forever.

They wake up to the blaring of Jongin’s cellphone. It’s his parents. They cut their trip short. They’ll be home in fifteen minutes. They want Jongin to clear the dish rack and vacuum the living room. Kyungsoo cries as he panics to find his things scattered around Jongin’s room. He had done some homework last night and it’s laying all around the Kim’s dining table. Jongin is trying hard not to cry too as he hurriedly sets the dishes in the general area they should be. They only have five minutes left and Jongin has yet to unravel the cord to the vacuum cleaner but he says fuck it and grabs the shoulders of a crying Kyungsoo and pulls him in for a deep kiss. Kyungsoo’s salty tears hit his lips but he holds the boy close and kisses him so hard.

“Let me walk you to the station,” he murmurs when finally pulls away.

“But your parents,” Kyungsoo hiccups.

“Fuck them,” Jongin says, grabbing Kyungsoo’s hand and the boy’s bag and taking him towards the front door. They let go of hands once they’re in the hallway, a formed habit, and wait together silently in the elevator. Kyungsoo sniffles a few times, wiping away his left over tears. Jongin would give the world to be able to pull him into another hug, another kiss.

The sidewalks are a little crowded, everyone getting their Sunday morning shopping in so their shoulders are pressed together as they walk side by side. Kyungsoo’s hand constantly brushes his and Jongin is itching to just intertwine their fingers together but he doesn’t. When they reach the station, Kyungsoo turns and faces him.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo blurts out through another sniffle and a hiccup. Jongin stands still, fighting every single nerve in his body that is screaming at him to scoop Kyungsoo into his arms and kiss him breathless.

“Me too,” he breathes out, the words light on his heavy tongue. “I love you too.”

“Text me when you get home,” Kyungsoo tells him.

“I will if they don’t take my phone away,” Jongin nods.

“Goodbye,” Kyungsoo says, taking a step towards the stairs leading down to the station.

“Goodbye,” Jongin whispers, watching Kyungsoo’s back disappear into the underground. He hates goodbyes, especially ones directed towards Kyungsoo.

As they get older, their dates take them to farther places. They hop on the subway, bound towards a stop at least forty five minutes away. They sit together in cafes, holding hands underneath the table and discreetly sharing their food and drinks. They go to special bookstores and rent out a capsule with their allowance money and lock themselves up in the tiny little compartment with a blanket and small pillows. Kyungsoo likes to lay in Jongin’s arms as the taller male reads his favorite books out loud to him. They take naps together there and share kisses and giggles. Jongin’s always loved books. He loves them even more when they give him a reason to see Kyungsoo. One day, they carve their names into the wall of one of the capsules. _Kim Jongin and Doh Kyungsoo are irrevocably in love with each other._ Kyungsoo takes a picture of the message with his phone and moves to make it his homescreen. Then he realizes he can’t. Jongin chases away the sadness with another kiss. They end up making out until the ringer on Kyungsoo’s phone tells them they only have five minutes left.

The first time they have sex is the summer before their junior year. This time it’s Kyungsoo’s parents who have gone to visit his brother at his university in Busan. Jongin lies to his parents and says he’s spending the weekend with Taemin at his aunt’s vacation house. Their first time together is something they actually plan. Jongin borrows Seungsoo’s jacket that he left at home and buys lube from a disinterested convenience store worker. Kyungsoo lights a few candles around his room and fluffs up his pillows.

It’s sloppy and awkward. The entire experience is over in less than ten minutes. They’re both sticky from the excess lube, Jongin had wanted to be extra careful and make sure that Kyungsoo was well prepared, and Jongin’s come is speckled all over the back of Kyungsoo’s thighs and ass. Kyungsoo didn’t even get to come, a little too uncomfortable from being penetrated for the first time but Jongin sinks down to his knees and gives him a sloppy hand job before wrapping his mouth around Kyungsoo’s hard cock and trying his best to make his boyfriend feel good. Kyungsoo comes with a muffled moan, his come squirting across Jongin’s face and landing on his chest. It’s a little gross and Jongin uses a towel on the floor to wipe himself clean before he throws himself back on the bed and kisses Kyungsoo deeply. Kyungsoo begins to giggle halfway throughout their make out session.

“What’s so silly?” Jongin asks him, pulling back and looking at his beautiful boyfriend. His cheeks are still flushed a baby pink and his hair is moussed so sexily. Jongin wants to devour him with his love.

“We just had really bad first time sex,” Kyungsoo giggles. “But oh god, we had sex, Jongin. We did it.”

“We did,” Jongin grins, kissing Kyungsoo again. “And I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kyungsoo smiles back. “I’ll always love you.”

They fall asleep naked, Jongin being the big spoon and Kyungsoo curled into his chest. When they wake up, they attempt hand jobs and blowjobs again and this time, they actually last a little longer. They get better at sex as they sneak around and take advantage of the small pockets of time that they have.

Right before senior year starts, they both beg their parents to take them on family trips to Jeju. Surprisingly they agree and Jongin and Kyungsoo begin to orchestrate a master plan for them to spend the trip together without their families knowing. They point their mothers into staying at the same hotel and plan the itineraries very similarly. They even take the same flight to Jeju, just sitting a few aisles apart. While their parents are lounging in the bar and at the spas and their siblings are chatting it up with the other young adults, Kyungsoo and Jongin escape into their own little hotel rooms and secret beach spots. They hike into the woods and make out behind big trees with sloppy handjobs. At night they skinny-dip in one of the private pools and lie next to each other on top of big pool towels, their hands intertwined tightly as they talk about everything and nothing at the same time. Their families don’t know what they’re up to, too busy enjoying their own vacations. Kyungsoo and Jongin never want this to end. When it does though, they spend the last night in a secluded beach area. Jongin makes love to Kyungsoo underneath the stars over and over again until they can’t possibly come anymore, until Kyungsoo begs for a break because his over stimulated body just can’t take any more pleasure. Afterwards they stare mesmerized at black sky and count the stars, the only witnesses to their passionate confessions of love. Jongin maps constellations out on Kyungsoo’s body with his lips and Kyungsoo sucks little moons onto his neck with his mouth. They see each other one last time in an empty airport bathroom, Kyungsoo getting on his knees to suck Jongin off before their flight departs.

Senior year is busy with them preparing for college entrance exams. They study together at the library, their feet resting against each other underneath the table as Moonkyu and Hyunsik quietly argue about girl groups next to them. Taemin has his headphones plugged in, bobbing his head to some music as he works through math problems. Jongin and Kyungsoo send each other text messages instead of talking to each other, complaining about their friends and all the studying they have to do.

“What’s got you all smiley?” Moonkyu swings an arm around Jongin’s neck. He startles and quickly exits out of his messaging app. Kyungsoo had just sent him a rather naughty message about their plans for the weekend.

“Nothing,” he coughs. “Just a meme.”

“Dude, I bet Jongin has a girlfriend,” Hyunsik chirps in. “He’s always on his phone and smiling at it. Memes are funny but they can’t make you look like that.”

“Yeah,” Moonkyu points a finger at Jongin. “Do you have a girlfriend? You keep on rejecting the people who confess to you and some of those girls are hot.”

“Get off me,” Jongin shrugs Moonkyu away from him. He eyes Kyungsoo carefully, who’s looking down and scribbling away furiously at his notebook. The other male is biting down on his lip hard though, hard enough to probably draw blood soon.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he mumbles. “I don’t want a girlfriend.”

“Waiting for the college girls, huh,” Moonkyu grins. “I see you. Who wants a whiny high school girlfriend anyways?”

“Jongin’s handsome,” Hyunsik nods. “He’s going to get college noonas so easily. Isn’t his face nice? His face is nice, right, Kyungsoo?” Kyungsoo glances up from his notebook and stares at Jongin.

“It’s just okay,” He comments, going back to his studying.

“Just okay?” Jongin asks later as he’s pounding mercilessly into Kyungsoo whose head is buried deep into his pillow. They typically don’t have sex on weekdays, Kyungsoo’s mom is usually home but she texted earlier saying she was going to visit a friend so Jongin accompanied Kyungsoo home.

“You’re fucking amazing, Jongin,” Kyungsoo lifts his head weakly before moaning into his pillow. “Oh god, fuck me.” And Jongin does until they both orgasm and he collapses on top of Kyungsoo, lightly crushing him but sneaking a kiss onto his neck. Kyungsoo turns his head so he can breathe a bit and smiles.

“Tell me I’m handsome,” Jongin demands almost childishly, clinging onto Kyungsoo’s back like a koala.

“My boyfriend is so handsome,” Kyungsoo laughs, turning around so they’re facing each other and running his hands through Jongin’s hair.

“Mine is too,” Jongin smiles before leaning in for a sweet kiss. “I don’t need anyone else when I already have the best person right here.”

It doesn’t last. Two weeks before graduation, Kyungsoo pulls Jongin up the roof of his apartment building, the wind whipping around them as they stare out at the city. It’s quiet, even for Kyungsoo’s standards but he doesn’t know what to say. These words won’t come out easily. They carry the most pain.

“You’re not thinking about jumping, are you?” Jongin jokes as he stares down at the road below them, tiny cars driving by. “You got a good score on the exam. There’s no reason to jump.” There is one reason though, the fact that their true selves will never be accepted by their families.

“If you jump, you know I’m following you,” Jongin tells him. “Whether it’s to catch you or to just end it all too, I’m going to be with you-,”

“I’m moving to California,” Kyungsoo interrupts him, turning to face him. There are tears welling in his eyes, threatening to drop at any moment. Jongin feels a sharp pain in his chest as he breathes in.

“What?” He asks needing more clarification.

“Seungsoo got into an MBA program in the States,” Kyungsoo sniffles as he wipes his nose using the back of his hand. “And my parents made me apply for the UC schools and I got into Irvine. We’re moving after graduation.” Jongin closes his jaw, feeling it tighten. There are a thousand things running through his mind right now and he can’t bring himself to say anything.

“I think,” Kyungsoo says, his voice cracking mid breath, “I think we should break up.”

It hurts. Jongin feels the blow deep in his heart, cracking the surface and splintering up his bones and through his nerves.

“Break up,” he repeats. The words are foreign to him like old Latin or Shakespearean English. They’re thick on his tongue and he wants to spit them away. He wants to lock those two words up in a lead safe and sink it to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

“Long distance never works,” Kyungsoo whispers brokenly. “I don’t want to hold onto us if we’re just going to hurt more later on.”

“We have two weeks though,” Jongin says.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo sighs, the tears finally falling down his face.

“Two weeks, Kyungsoo,” Jongin grabs Kyungsoo’s wrist and holds onto tightly, like it’s his only lifeline. “Don’t give us less time than we actually have.”

“Oh, Jongin,” Kyungsoo breaks down even more and throws himself into Jongin’s arms. Jongin holds him so close, as if somehow their souls will be able to intertwine and keep them together forever. Kyungsoo is sobbing into his shoulder and all Jongin wants to do is cry too but he holds back for Kyungsoo’s sake. He’ll cry when he’s alone. He’ll cry when it’s all over but right now they still have time.

It’s like a countdown to his deathbed, the two final weeks that they spend together. With each passing second, Jongin feels more frantic and desperate to hold onto Kyungsoo, to love him more. They kiss like they don’t need air, make love like it’s all they were meant to do, and Kyungsoo cries a lot. Jongin spends so much time kissing away Kyungsoo’s tears that he forgets he’s supposed to cry too. Their dates stretch for hours, sometimes even past their curfews. Jongin’s parents threaten to ground him. He doesn’t care because after these next few days, he’ll have no reason to go out anymore.

On graduation day he and Kyungsoo aren’t even sitting next to each other, separated by their classes and then last names. The ceremony is long and boring, a waste of two hours that he could’ve spent with Kyungsoo. He forces a smile for pictures with his family, and Taemin and Moonkyu and a few other classmates but all he really wants to do his go home and change and text Kyungsoo so they can meet somewhere. There’s a tug on his sleeve and he turns around annoyed but his face softens when he sees that its Kyungsoo.

“Can we get a picture together?” Kyungsoo asks. They look like friends, just classmates taking a commemorative photo together.

“Of course,” Jongin smiles. They stand next to each other, their parents whipping their phones out. Jongin is feeling bold and he wraps an arm around Kyungsoo’s waist, pulling him close. The gesture still looks friendly to everyone else though but Kyungsoo’s body is just as warm and familiar as it will always be. As the cameras begin to click, Kyungsoo turns his head to stare at Jongin for a few seconds before he smiles back at their parents. Jongin stares at Kyungsoo too, trying to commit this schoolboy deep into his memories. They pull apart, wishing each other good luck before separating with their families. Jongin asks his mom to send him all the pictures she took. The only ones he keeps are the ones of him and Kyungsoo, taking turns looking at each other like they’re the entire universe.

The night before Kyungsoo’s flight, Jongin sneaks into his apartment. Kyungsoo’s parents are sleeping over at his grandma’s house because they’ve already packed up all the bed frames and had them shipped to America. Kyungsoo had insisted on spending his last night in Korea in his home, even if he had to sleep on a mat on the floor. Jongin hates how empty the Doh’s apartment is. He hates that there’s no trace of Kyungsoo anywhere besides the boy sitting in the middle of the hardwood floor on the living room with his laptop plugged into an outlet.

The sex is rough that night, Jongin and Kyungsoo letting out all their pain, all the anger and longing and hurt. Kyungsoo’s nails dig deep into Jongin’s shoulders, biting down on his lip hard enough to draw blood. Jongin thinks that the neighbors downstairs might actually file a noise complaint with how hard he’s pounding Kyungsoo into the floor, deep and fast. During their last round, Kyungsoo ends up riding Jongin, his hips rolling in a painfully slow motion. Jongin’s hands are holding onto his waist, guiding each roll and thrusting to meet Kyungsoo’s pace. Kyungsoo eventually leans forward so that their chests are pressing and he lets Jongin fuck up into him as he holds onto the other boy, moans spilling from his mouth as his sweaty hair tickles Jongin’s neck. When they’re both done, Kyungsoo continues to lie on top of Jongin, letting the taller male rub his hands up and down his back. He doesn’t cry at all that night. They don’t speak much either, letting their kisses do all the work. Words will make them sad. Kisses say everything and more.

In the morning, Jongin grabs his backpack for the last time and stands in front of the door, facing Kyungsoo for the last time in this place.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo says softly and sadly, the most melancholic look in his eyes. “So much, Jongin.”

“I love you,” Jongin repeats, feeling the words catch in his throat.

“Take care of yourself,” Kyungsoo steps forward and gives him a tight hug. “Eat your food well and get as much sleep as you can.” Jongin nods, hugging Kyungsoo back. He’s probably crushing the boy but he knows Kyungsoo doesn’t mind.

“Have a safe flight,” He croaks out. He’s secretly hoping that the plane blows up before Kyungsoo even boards so the other boy can come back to him.

“You should go,” Kyungsoo says. “My mom and dad will be here any minute.” Jongin nods again but he kisses Kyungsoo one last time, sweetly and deeply.

“I love you,” He says, pulling away.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo nods. Jongin turns around and opens the door, walking to the hallway and down five flights of stairs. He’s numb during the walk home, never looking back once, making his mind go blank and not thinking about anything. It’s not until an hour later, when he’s dumping out his backpack to find his phone charger that he sees a tiny folded note flutter out of his belongings. It’s sealed with a cheap red heart sticker. He tears it opens and reads it and then all the tears he’s been holding back are let go and he’s shaking as throws himself onto his bed and screams into his pillow, punching his mattress angrily. _I’m sorry. I love you. Please forget me._

Jongin gets a girlfriend during his second semester of university. Her name is Sunyoung and she’s pretty and outgoing but he really isn’t into her that way at all. She was the easy, obvious choice though and she showed interest in him so he went for it. Moonkyu says he’s lucky because Sunyoung has a big chest. Jongin could really care less. He’s an awful boyfriend to her. Yes he pays for all the dates and holds all her shopping bags and goes to all her theater performances but that’s about it. He can’t find anything to talk to her about and she’s not that funny so he rarely laughs or smiles when she speaks. The sex is okay. It’s more of a source of stress relief than an act of passion for him and he never stays the night, always walking back to his dorm room no matter how late in the night or early in the morning it is.

He still thinks about Kyungsoo a lot even though it hurts less now. It had been hell at first, not having Kyungsoo around. The other male had abandoned his Korean phone number too so they couldn’t even text or call each other. It took many sleepless nights for Jongin to finally be okay and now all the burning anger and longing is gone. It’s just a small crevice in his heart waiting to be filled again.

Kyungsoo gets a girlfriend during his sophomore year of university. Her name is Sodam and her dad works with his dad and they were introduced to each other at a dinner party with obvious intentions for them to hit it off. She’s in the journalism department and he’s studying economics. She’s sweet and cute and Kyungsoo treats her like a gentleman would, taking her to dates in fancy Italian restaurants and bringing her coffee when she’s studying for midterms in the library. His mother absolutely adores her and is already planning their wedding. Sodam is a virgin and wants to remain so until she’s married. Kyungsoo doesn’t mind that at all. Instead he spends his nights stuffing himself with his fingers or the secret dildo he bought from amazon, thinking about Jongin and missing his ex boyfriend terribly. Sometimes he’ll be walking in town and he’ll hear a song that Jongin used to like or a shirt that would suit the boy and before he knows it, he’s crying, ducking into the nearest corner to wipe his eyes. He wonders a lot how Jongin is doing. It took many sleepless nights for Kyungsoo to not cry himself to bed over Jongin anymore. He really hopes the other man is doing better than he is.

He’s roommates with Byun Baekhyun, a Korean American majoring in creative writing. Baekhyun is loud and fun and he drags Kyungsoo out to pubs and bars, flashing their fake I.D.’s and chilling with good music playing around them. Baekhyun is kind of engaged to Taeyeon, an older girl who’s studying back in Korea. Like Kyungsoo and Sodam, they were introduced by their parents. They’ve double dated sometimes when Taeyeon visited Baekhyun in California. Kyungsoo thinks she’s just okay but he’s not into girls anyways.

He comes home early from winter break, expecting an empty dorm since Baekhyun said he was going to be in San Francisco with some of his high school friends. What he gets is Baekhyun bent over their living room couch, pre-med student Park Chanyeol, fucking into him like there’s no tomorrow. He drops his duffel bag in surprise and both men’s eyes snap open from their bliss.

“Fuck,” Chanyeol curses, pulling out of Baekhyun and sliding his shorts up to cover himself. “Fuck, Baek. Fucking fuck!” He yells, swiping his shirt off the floor and pulling it on backwards before shoving his way past Kyungsoo and out the door. Chanyeol is dating Nana, an up and rising Instagram model who’s sponsored by Fashion Nova.

“Fuck,” Baekhyun crumbles to the floor in tears, hands grasping for a blanket and wrapping himself up in it and letting out a sob before screaming into the couch cushion. Kyungsoo grabs his bag and quietly goes to his room, plugging in his headphones and turning up the volume, drowning his thoughts with Nell.

An hour passes and he pauses his song to listen for anything. There’s no more screaming or crying and he gets up to go check the living room. Baekhyun is gone. He walks to the door across his and knocks on it gently before opening it a crack.

“What do you want?” Baekhyun screams at him, looking up from where he has his head folded on his desk. Kyungsoo opens the door wider but he doesn’t say anything.

“Are you going to tell everyone now?” Baekhyun mockingly questions. “ _Byun Baekhyun is a fucking fag. Baekhyun is cheating on his girlfriend and his parents are going to disown him because he likes dick and getting fucked in the ass._ ” Baekhyun lets out another distressed scream before he’s breaking down into tears again. Kyungsoo walks over and puts a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Baekhyun shoves him away. “The gay might get on you.”

“Baek,” Kyungsoo says softly, holding his shoulder firmly again. “It’s okay,” he tells the other male. “It’s going to be okay.” Baekhyun’s face contorts at this and then he’s crying again. This time instead of tears of anger though they’re tears of sadness and some relief. Kyungsoo rubs his shoulders as he cries and he wonders how differently things would have turned if someone had done the same for him.

Jongin breaks up with Sunyoung after fifteen months. He has maybe two or three girlfriends after that. He can’t really remember. They all blended together after a while. None of them were Kyungsoo though so he doesn’t really care. He likes to think he’s living life well. He and Moonkyu and Taemin went on a camping trip during the summer. It was interesting and all the hiking and nature stuff was rather refreshing. He doesn’t think about Kyungsoo much anymore. It’s been five years since they’ve graduated from high school, five years since they’ve even seen each other’s faces. After the whole dating thing failed multiple times for him, he’s stuck with the hookups every once in a while when he just needs something. His parents keep on introducing him to girls. He goes for the free food.

He works at a tech company, doing coding work and sitting in a cubicle for eight hours a day. It gets monotonous but the pay is good and his coworkers are friendly. They’re out celebrating a promotion at a popular bar when Jongin sees him. It’s just a flicker, maybe even a play of the lights but Jongin is out of his seat and pushing through the crowd, grabbing a familiar elbow and pulling it to the side.

“Kyungsoo,” he breathes out the name, light and smooth against his tongue.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo replies, his eyes growing wide as he realizes who has pulled him aside.

“You’re back in Korea?” Jongin asks. Kyungsoo doesn’t look like he’s aged a day since they last saw each other in that empty apartment. The look in his eyes is still the same.

“Only for a little bit,” Kyungsoo answers. “What are you doing here?”

“Celebrating a coworker’s promotion,” Jongin answers. It’s weird talking to Kyungsoo like this, like they really just are two high school friends catching up.

“Oh, fun,” Kyungsoo nods.

“I do computer coding,” Jongin tries to keep up the conversation. He hasn’t felt this way about anything in a long time, his heart pounding fast in his chest.

“I’m a data analyst,” Kyungsoo tells him. “We both have boring jobs.” Jongin laughs at that and Kyungsoo cracks a grin too. It’s easy to slip into chatter after that, slowly catching up on what they’ve missed out on and reminiscing old memories. Jongin offers to buy Kyungsoo a drink and they move to an empty spot at the bar, ordering a round of beers. One bottle turns into two and then three and before they know it, it’s early in the morning and the bartenders are putting up the stools. Over the night, their bodies had been leaning closer and closer to each other, invading each other’s personal spaces, their knees knocking into each other.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Jongin asks, his voice deep and slow as he holds the side of Kyungsoo’s shoulder lightly. Kyungsoo gets the message immediately but his eyes suddenly sober up and he straightens his back.

“I-I can’t,” he says. “Jongin,” he starts out hesitantly, “I’m engaged. I’m back in Korea for my wedding.”

It’s like an ice cold bucket of water has been dumped over Jongin. Engaged. Wedding. The words freeze his heart, badly paved cracks and all. He lets his hand drop from Kyungsoo’s shoulder his fingers slowly trailing down the male’s arm until they land on his fingers. He fumbles as he searches for it, his fingers threading through Kyungsoo’s almost desperately and then he feels it, a cold, silver band wrapped around Kyungsoo’s ring finger.

Kyungsoo watches as Jongin’s heart breaks on his face and he can already feel himself tearing up. Jongin’s hand feels so warm and soft in his. Kyungsoo doesn’t want to let go. He doesn’t know how he was able to let go the first time.

“I’m sorry, Jongin,” he whispers as he slowly pulls his hand away. “I’m so sorry.” He stands up and nearly runs out of the bar, hailing a cab to bring him back to his in-law’s place. He cries in the back of the cab, ignoring the concerned looks the driver gives him. He wasn’t expecting to meet Jongin again, especially not the night before his wedding. He had been doing okay. He had accepted that he was getting married. Everything had been alright in his life.

He sits at the edge of the bed, Sodam sleeping soundly behind him. His parents are in the room across from them, his in-laws on the other side of the house. There was the option. He could run back to Jongin. They could run away together to anywhere. They could be together. He hears Sodam sigh in her sleep though and it shakes him out of his thoughts. He couldn't do that to her. She loves him so much, even though he’s never felt anything more for her than friendship. He saw what happened to Taeyeon and Nana though, the embarrassment and humiliation they went through when Baekhyun and Chanyeol drunkenly made out at a Halloween party three years ago. He also saw what happened to Baekhyun and Chanyeol after the pictures spread and everyone found out. Baekhyun’s mom slapped him in the middle of campus, drawing blood from where her ring had cut him. Chanyeol’s parents kicked him out of the house and refuse to see him, even though he got into Harvard Medical and is preparing to be a pediatric cardiologist. They’re together now though, Chanyeol and Baekhyun. They have a cute little apartment and Kyungsoo visited them last spring. His parents and Sodam don’t know that he went though. They don’t want him having anything to do with Baekhyun and Chanyeol anymore.

Jongin gets married after he knocks up one of his hookups. Her name is Soojung, a receptionist from his workplace that he slept with after a wild company dinner. She pulls him aside one day as he’s badging out of work and shoves a positive pregnancy test into his hands. Jongin has no choice but to marry her. Who else is he supposed to marry anyways?

They name their daughter Taeri, at Jongin’s mother’s request. She’s very happy that Jongin has finally settled down and is starting a family. Jongin may not love Soojung but he’s an absolute fool for his daughter. Taeri looks just like him, her features a little more softened out but everyone gushes over how cute she is. Jongin spoils her endlessly buying her gifts and clothes and showering her with kisses and cuddles. She’s a total daddy’s girl and Jongin’s whole life becomes about her.

He forgets about Kyungsoo, his high school memories tucked in a box at his parent’s place next to all the other dusty boxes they have lying around. His days are filled with coding work and his nights are tea parties and dress up fashion shows and story times before cuddles with his little princess. There’s no time to remember a lost love, not until he runs into Hyunsik one day at the supermarket.

His high school classmate has a son sitting in the cart, making car noises at a phone screen. Jongin has Taeri in the cart too and she’s playing with two of her dolls, making them walk across the handlebar.

“Hey,” Hyunsik greets him with a one armed hug. “Long time, no see. How have you been doing?”

“Good,” Jongin nods. “Got myself a little girl,” He rubs Taeri’s head affectionately. She beams a smile at him and goes back to playing with her dolls.

“She’s a cutie,” Hyunsik grins.

“I see you’ve been busy too,” Jongin nods at his son.

“Yeah,” Hyunsik nods. “He’s just one half of a whole. His rascal twin brother is with their mom back at home. I can’t handle two of them at once. How are Moonkyu and Taemin doing? Do you still keep in touch?” They launch into a conversation about their classmates after that, catching up with what they know about certain people. It seems like most of their batch has gotten married already, settling down and starting families.

“Kyungsoo too!” Hyunsik says. “His wife just gave birth a few months ago to a girl. I think they named her Hyerin. Yeah, they struggled for a while though. I heard that Sodam was having a hard time getting pregnant and she miscarried twice. Kyungsoo was really happy when his baby was born though. He called me up and wouldn’t stop bragging about how pretty she is.”

“Congratulations to them,” Jongin says. Kyungsoo is happy. That’s all that matters. “Does he still live in the States?”

“I think they live in a suburb in New York,” Hyunsik answers. “He works in the city though, says the commute is a total bitc-,” Hyunsik’s phone rings suddenly and he excuses himself to answer it. It’s his wife wondering where he is. They say their goodbyes and Jongin is off to browse through the bread aisle again. He wonders if he should get wheat or white this week. Later that night as he’s tucking Taeri into bed by patting her back and humming her favorite lullaby softly he thinks about Kyungsoo who’s on the other side of the world, probably singing to his baby too.

When Hyerin turns three Sodam asks for another baby. Kyungsoo rolls out of his side of the bed and says no. Sodam’s body wasn’t strong enough for another healthy pregnancy. They had enough scares even before Hyerin. Although Kyungsoo really wouldn’t mind another baby, he’s happy with his daughter. She’s the sunshine of his life and he’ll give anything to his little fighter.

“Is it because you don’t want to sleep with me?” Sodam accuses him, a sob ripping through her voice. Kyungsoo stills, staring at the window. He can’t tell her its the truth.

“You don’t even touch me anymore,” Sodam cries. “I know I wasn’t pretty with the baby weight and throwing up all the time but I lost all of it. I tried so hard to become pretty for you again. Even before that though, you rarely wanted to have sex. Are you sleeping with someone else?”

“No,” Kyungsoo answers quickly. He’s not a cheater.

“Then why won’t you sleep with me?” Sodam demands to know. “We don’t even have to have another baby. I just want you to make love to me.” Kyungsoo doesn’t answer. He doesn’t want to make love to her.

Sodam sniffles. “Are you asexual?” She asks. “I’ve read about it on the internet. It’s people who just aren’t interested in sex. It’s okay if you’re asexual. You can just tell me. I’ll understand you.”

_‘I’m a fucking homosexual!_ ’ Kyungsoo screams in his head. She won’t ever accept that though.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Kyungsoo mumbles, grabbing his phone and shuffling towards their bedroom door. He checks on Hyerin, who’s all snuggled up in her pink blankets before locking himself in the guest room. He can hear Sodam crying in the other room but the drowns her out with recorded noises of moans and grunts as he fingers his ass and fists his cock to completion. He’s gay. He likes thing up his ass. Sodam would never give that to him.

His coworkers like to go to small bars in the city and Kyungsoo tags along sometimes out of boredom. He can feel it, the heavy eyes of men looking him up and down. He’s always remained rather small in stature, slim waist and plump ass. He doesn’t even have to try for his figure. He guesses it was something he was born with. He gets approached a lot with offers for a quick hookup, no strings. He always rejects. Sodam is at home with Hyerin. Sometimes though, there’s someone who slightly resembles Jongin. It might be the slightly tanned skin or the boyish grin but Kyungsoo’s heart doesn’t waver even though his ass would love to be stuffed with anything. It’s not worth it. If he couldn’t sacrifice everything for Jongin then nobody else is worth it.

There’s a picture on the wall that Jongin stops to look at, his hand being held tightly by Taewoo. His two-year-old son is terrified of the large crowd around them and his eyes dart anxiously around.

“Mommy,” Taewoo whines as he presses himself closer to Jongin.

“Mommy and noona went to the bathroom,” Jongin hushes him. Taewoo frowns, his lower lip trembling and Jongin picks him up and Taewoo hides his head into his dad’s shoulder. The boy misses home. He’s never been away from his bed and his grandparents for this long but their vacation to Japan is almost over. He gently bounces around to comfort Taewoo a bit but his eyes are stuck on the picture. There are over a million pictures pasted on the tiles of the wall, bought by other vacationing families like his to leave their mark. Jongin can’t believe that out of a million pictures he was able to see this one.

It’s Kyungsoo with the biggest smile on his face. A little girl is sitting on his shoulders, her hands squishing Kyungsoo’s cheeks as she cheeses at the camera too. They have the same smile but Jongin doesn’t recognize any of the girl’s other features. Her mother must be pretty if she resembles her.

_Hyerin with her super awesome, amazing papa! Mommy took the picture of her two pretty people <3 April 3, 2025. _

It was taken exactly a year ago. Just one year ago, Kyungsoo was standing in the same spot as him, taking his family probably to all the same places as Jongin. He can’t help but smile as he stares at Kyungsoo hard and for a long time. Kyungsoo looks good. He looks happy and really that’s all Jongin could ever ask for.

“There you two are!” Soojung comes rushing towards them, Taeri right behind her.

“Mommy,” Taewoo cries, reaching out for his mother. Soojung takes him and holds him on her hip. He begins to whine to her and Soojung looks slightly annoyed because Taewoo is one minute away from a meltdown tantrum. Taeri looks upset too, a dismissive frown on her face.

“Stop it with the attitude,” Soojung tells their daughter. “I told you already that I’m not buying you another keychain. You have three from the other places we visited.” Jongin can tell that one wrong move is all it’s going to take to send Soojung into one of her infamous headaches.

“Should we take a picture like them,” Jongin gestures to the wall, “and hang it up with a message too?” There’s an empty spot next to Kyungsoo’s tile.

“That’s a waste of money, Jongin,” Soojung tells him. “Let’s just go back to the hotel. Taewoo needs his nap. You and Taeri can go swim in the pool or something.” She’s walking away before Jongin can even respond. Taeri still has a frown on her face, her eyes watery. Jongin can tell that she’s trying hard not to cry in public.

“Where was that keychain you wanted?” He bends down, taking her hands in his. “Let me go see how pretty it is.” Soojung tries to argue with him later when she sees the keychain hanging off of Taeri’s backpack. Jongin tunes her out though, scrolling through the pictures he took of the two kids throughout their trip.

Kyungsoo is sitting in the living room, typing up a report for one of his supervisors as highlights from Monday night football run on the TV. He occasionally has to bring work home with him. It’s not often enough that he hates it though. He can hear the garage open and the door’s familiar click. Hyerin must be home from her study session with her friends. She mentioned a history exam the other day at dinner.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo greets her as she shuffles into the living room, setting her backpack down on the floor next to the piano like usual.

“How was Meg’s house?” He asks. Hyerin slowly sits down next to him. Her eyes are a little red, like she’s been crying. Kyungsoo saves his work and shuts down his laptop.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, holding her hand in his. She’s fifteen now, almost not his little girl anymore.

“Dad,” she says, her voice a little hoarse. “I think I saw mom today when we went out to get coffee.”

“And?” He asks, knowing that there’s more to the story.

“She was with another guy,” Hyerin whispers painfully. “And I saw her kiss him.” She starts sobbing after that and Kyungsoo hugs her, letting her cry. It’s always soul crushing, finding out that your parent’s relationship isn’t all that perfect. Kyungsoo didn’t know that Sodam was cheating but he’s not really surprised. He just feels bad because he should be the one crying and heartbroken but he feels nothing. He doesn’t really care what Sodam does but he cares that Hyerin is upset about it.

He confronts Sodam about it when she comes home, Hyerin already in bed after he made her a cup of hot chocolate. He hadn’t noticed it before but now he does, the faint scent of cologne lingering on her scarf as she unwraps it from her neck and hangs it up on a hook. Kyungsoo doesn’t wear cologne and he knows that Sodam wears those fruity perfumes they advertise in Hyerin’s teenage girl magazines.

Sodam cries hard when Kyungsoo tells her that he knows who she met and what she did. She sinks to her knees when he tells her that Hyerin was the one to see her. She holds onto his calves, begging him to not leave her. It was a mistake. She won’t do it again. The other guy was just a church oppa she grew up with. It meant nothing. They didn’t do anything other than kiss and hold hands. The person she loves is Kyungsoo. She’ll do anything as long as he doesn’t leave her.

Kyungsoo pries her grip off of him, not saying a word and locking himself in the guest room. He never sees a lawyer to get the divorce process started. He doesn’t leave Sodam. Instead, he just wakes up in the morning and drops Hyerin off at school like usual before driving to work. Life goes on. They all push the incident to the back of their minds, a gentle haunting that lives over them forever.

He cries when he walks Hyerin down the aisle ten years later towards the boy who will make her happy for the rest of her life. Hyerin is so beautiful in her long, white dress and Kyungsoo is so proud of the young lady that she has become. She doesn’t want to let go of him after the father/daughter dance and cries when he hands her off to her new husband. Kyungsoo likes his son-in-law a lot. He’s a white boy but he’s an expert at using chopsticks and eating kimchi. He even learned Korean so he could have a fluent conversation with Kyungsoo during the first Thanksgiving that Hyerin brought him home. Kyungsoo is happy that Hyerin will be well taken care of. He’s a little jealous though that she has ended up with a boy who looks at her like she painted the universe herself.

Jongin is speeding down the highway at three in the morning, his fingers clenching tightly onto the wheel as the little red arrow on his speedometer leans dangerously towards the right, increasing with each passing second. All he can see is red and his foot is actually cramping from how hard he’s pressing on the acceleration pedal. He has the windows cracked open too, the cold winter wind rushing into his car but doing nothing to cool him down at all.

Fucking Soojung ruining his fucking mood in the middle of the fucking night. She had woken him up from his sleep, yelling about something that he apparently did wrong again and he was fucking over it. Ever since she lost her job at the company due to some layoffs, she’s been on his case about everything. He can’t even blink right according to her and they fight every single day. She yells at him about not paying the bills on time or leaving dishes in the sink and letting his wet towel stink up the bathroom. She wants him to go pick up Taewoo from school so she can go to job interviews and make dinner so she can network with other people and gain connections. She wants him to be the breadwinner and play super dad and husband while she prances around trying to escape from her domestic mousetrap but Jongin is exhausted he’s fucking over it.

He doesn’t even know how long he’s been racing down this highway. He hasn’t seen another car in god knows how long but he doesn’t care. He thinks about spinning out, crashing against the side of the road and just ending it all for good. He’s so fucking unhappy and he would rather burn in flames than willingly walk back to the hell that is supposed to be home. He doesn’t even like the stupid teal color that Soojung painted their living room last fall when she first got laid off.

The arrow on his speedometer is quivering dangerously and Jongin thinks that he’s really going to fucking do it and he closes his eyes for a split second and just one person materializes in his thoughts.

He slams on the breaks, hard. His entire body jerks forward as his car screeches to a stop and he hangs onto the wheel almost desperately. He didn’t even realize that he hadn’t been wearing his seatbelt.

Kyungsoo.

He thought about Kyungsoo. He’s never going to get to see Kyungsoo again.

He leans into the steering wheel and cries, burying his face into his hands as his body shudders with tears. What was he even fucking doing? He can’t die yet. Taeri is still in college. She’s in a website coding class this semester and she’s really struggling. She calls him every Wednesday night, crying because she can’t figure her assignment out. Jongin walks her through it, talking to her gently and calmly and reassuring her that she isn’t stupid; her professor is just a dickwad teacher. Taewoo graduates from high school this year. Jongin had promised him that they were going to England to watch a Chelsea game. They had already bought the tickets. Taewoo had researched everything and had an itinerary set up for the week and a half they would spend in England. Jongin can’t leave them yet.

He sits there in the middle of the empty highway and lets himself cry it all out. All the stress and frustration and anger he’s been holding onto for too long melt away in his palms as his tears run down his elbows. He can suddenly feel the chill of winter settling into his bones and he rolls up the windows, turning on the heat in his car. He hadn’t even bothered to put on a jacket when he stormed out of the house.

When the car is toasty warm, he slowly steps on the acceleration pedal again and cruises towards the nearest exit to make his way back home. He stops by a gas station and fills up his tank, taking his time as the moon begins to fade.

When he unlocks the front door he can see Taewoo sleeping on the living room couch, the ugly teal walls drowned out by the floor lamp set to the dimmest lighting. He shakes his son awake, wanting to move him to his actual bed.

“Dad?” Taewoo mumbles, rubbing at his eyes and stretching as he sits up.

“Hey buddy,” Jongin rubs his shoulder. “You should go sleep in your room.” He gets surprised when Taewoo hugs him suddenly. His boy hasn’t hugged him in years, going through his ‘too cool’ teenager phase.

“Dad,” Taewoo says again. “I love you. I’m thankful for everything that you do for me and noona and mom.” He must have heard them fighting earlier. Jongin feels bad for putting Taewoo in that type of environment.

“I know you are,” Jongin smiles, holding his big baby just a little tighter. “I love you too.”

Jongin almost cries when the tiny pink bundle is placed in his arms. She’s so tiny and wrinkly still but she’s one of the most beautiful things that Jongin has ever seen in his life.

“Dad,” Taeri whines. “Don’t cry. If you cry, I’m gonna cry and my hormones are already a mess.”

“She’s prettier than you were,” Jongin teases her. “Aren’t you?” He coos at the baby.

“I bet she is,” Jongin’s son in law joins in on the teasing as he sits next to Jongin. “She’s so cute. I can see why you gave me such a hard time when I first started dating Taeri. No stinky boy or girl is every getting near my little princess,” he coos at his daughter.

“What are you guys naming her?” Jongin asks them.

“We decided on Soyee,” Taeri smiles.

“Soyee,” Jongin says her name, letting her little hand wrap around his pinky finger. “I’m your grandpa. You’re going to live such a good life.”

Soyee rummages around the small room, trying to move the boxes to at least make a path so she can begin to organize things. It’s a tough job to do all alone but her mom and Uncle Taewoo are in no state to be doing any of this and grandma has been a complete mess for days now. Soyee wants to cry too. She wants to mourn too but as the oldest grandchild she must be strong. Her siblings are still too young to really get the grasp of what is going on and her dad has been the one keeping them busy and out of the way so the funeral preparations can go smoothly.

She finally organizes the boxes so she can actually walk through the room and she sits down on the wooden floor with a huff. She doesn’t mind doing this job though. It makes her feel closer to her grandpa, like he’s still here with her. Grandpa had spent a lot of time in this room when he could still walk up the stairs. It’s hard to believe that was only two weeks ago. Soyee had come home from school and brought him his favorite cookies as he sat in this room, going through the boxes over and over again. He always asked to be left alone when he was here and she respected his request. He would sit in here for hours and whenever he came out there would be a nostalgic smile on his face. It was kind of sad to look at but grandpa always told her that he was happy.

Soyee doesn’t even know where to start with unpacking these boxes to sort through so she grabs the smallest one, setting it down easily on the floor. It’s different from the other regular cardboard boxes. It feels high quality, like a gift box you give to someone on their wedding. Soyee is expecting it maybe to be filled with trinkets from her grandparents’ wedding but when she lifts the tea green lid off, she’s surprised to see a large, half used sticker sheet of red hearts. She takes the sheet out of the box and underneath is a multitude of unfolded letters and movie ticket stubs and some old arcade coins and prize tickets. There’s even a hotel keycard from Jeju Island in the mix and Soyee carefully takes it out and sets it on the ground. She takes out the letters next and begins to read.

_You looked handsome yesterday standing in the lunch line. I almost choked on my milk when you smiled at me. Stop looking at me in school! You keep on distracting me :(_

_I heard you did really well on your presentation! I knew that practicing instead of making out would be good for you. Don’t worry though, we can kiss later today because you did good. My smart man <3_

_It’s our first day back at school and I already can’t wait for the next break. I wish I could spend every single day with you. I love you so much, Jongin. I can’t wait until we’re finally able to spend every moment together._

They were love notes. Her grandpa had kept every single love note from his high school lover. Soyee thought it was kind of cute. She wondered what happened to the other person because things obviously didn’t end up the way they had hoped. They must have been special to her grandpa though, if he had kept those letters for all these years. She reads through a few more before folding them up again and setting them aside. It seems a little too personal for her to be digging through.

At the bottom of the box there’s a framed picture and she takes it out. It’s from grandpa’s high school graduation. Soyee laughs because once grandpa was the same age as her. He standing next to a friend, his arm wrapped around the smaller male’s waist. Grandpa is smiling at the camera but the friend isn’t paying attention, staring at grandpa with such a fondness in his eyes. Soyee doesn’t even know that she’s smiling at the picture but she sets it down gently. Its the soft sound of scratching that catches her attention and she lifts it back up. There’s a small note taped to the back, sealed with a red heart sticker.

Soyee’s curiosity gets the best of her and she takes the note off the frame, carefully tearing apart the heart sticker to read the message. It’s dated two weeks ago; the last time that she knew her grandpa was in this room.

_I miss you. I can’t wait to see you again._

They each throw a handful of red rose petals over the mound of dirt. By the end of it, when Taeri is the last person to wish her dad a final goodbye, the dirt is completely covered with soft, red petals. They stand there for a few more silent minutes until they begin to head back to the cars. He lived a long life. He lived a good life.

When the last of the cars finally pull down the road and out of the cemetery, a small gust of wind carries one lone petal across the fields and drops it on top of a mound that already has small tips of green grass sprouting from the rich dirt. _I’m here, my love. I’m sorry we waited so long._


End file.
